Mastering the No: Transform Your Business by Ditching the Default Yes

How Saying “No” Can Be the Most Strategic Business Move You Make

Saying yes to every request is not a sustainable business strategy—it is a recipe for burnout.

If there is one recurring challenge that threads its way through my conversations with fellow entrepreneurs–especially those of us with ADHD–it’s the ever-present “Default Yes.”  I have joked that I used to say yes so often, Siri could have programmed it as my verbal shortcut. But this isn’t just an anecdote to get a laugh. It’s the central narrative of my own professional journey and the hidden struggle for so many of the entrepreneurs, creatives, and independent professionals whose paths I cross.

For as long as I can remember, the urge to accommodate, to be helpful or agreeable, felt deeply hardwired, and I often found myself agreeing before I had even heard the full request. It was as though every unexpected request flipped a switch, and I found myself blurting out a “yes” before my brain had a chance to even process what was being asked. 

I’ve come to see this not simply as a feature of my personality, but as the inevitable intersection of ADHD traits and societal conditioning, with rejection sensitivity, fear of disappointing others, ADHD impulsivity, time blindness, and the neurological need for extra time to process on-the-spot requests.

In one particularly busy season of my business, this “yes” default setting was put to the test nearly every week. A client would ask for something well beyond the agreed scope, a collaborator would “just need a quick favor,” or a business acquaintance would present a “can’t-miss” opportunity. Every time, instead of pausing or setting a healthy boundary, I found myself agreeing in the moment, only to spend hours later wrestling with resentment, regret, and a touch of self-recrimination.  Sound familiar? For so many entrepreneurs with ADHD, this scenario is more than relatable–it is routine.

What I have learned, both through years of coaching and my own lived experience, is that the “Default Yes” is not just about being too nice. It is rooted in our unique neurological wiring and reinforced by deeply ingrained beliefs about what it means to be helpful, liked, or successful. Our brains tend to freeze under the sudden spotlight of an in-person ask; our rejection sensitivity conjures catastrophic scenarios if we dare to disappoint; and our self-image, which for many of us has been built on the belief that we aren’t quite enough, resists the very notion of saying no. Add to this the social myth of reciprocity–the belief that our endless giving will somehow be reciprocated down the line–and it’s no wonder so many of us become overextended and undervalued.

But the truth I had to come to terms with, and that I emphasize to every client that I work with, is that saying yes to every request is not a sustainable business strategy–it is a recipe for burnout. Being the perpetual helper may feel temporarily rewarding, but it all too often leads to unpaid labor, blurred boundaries, and a persistent undervaluing of our time and talent. The people who thrive in business are not those who say yes to everything, but those who say yes strategically and also know when– and how– to say no.

Of course, changing this pattern is anything but easy. I like to compare boundary setting to building a muscle. For many of us, it is a muscle that has never been properly exercised. Years of defaulting to yes have atrophied our ability to assert boundaries, making no feel awkward, even dangerous. The thought of standing firm brings on the anxiety spiral: Will they think I’m selfish? Will I lose this client? Is my reputation on the line? Last year, one of my clients was a dedicated, passionate coach whose default yes was costing her dozens of unpaid hours each month and considerable financial stress. Only when she learned to assert fair limits did she not only recoup her time but discover that clients respected her more, not less.

The journey to unlearning the default yes starts with small, actionable steps. One of the most powerful tools I’ve developed– and share with my coaching clients–is the buffer phrase. Having a rehearsed, neutral response, like “That’s an interesting request. Let me check what I have going on and get back to you,” buys your brain precious time to process the ask and intentionally decide how to respond. Practicing this out loud until it becomes second nature changed everything for me. No longer did I feel ambushed by requests; I had given myself permission to pause. 

Now, I do have ADHD, so I also had to create the habit of “capturing” the conversation, so that I would remember to follow up.  Before I got the second part of the habit in place,  I would use the buffer phrase to buy myself time, but then forget all about the request.  When the asker reached out again a couple of days later, I was taken off guard a second time, felt embarrassed and said yes without intending to!  Now, I send myself a quick text or voice note on Voxer to remind myself to follow up. 

The process of redefining boundaries doesn’t stop there. I had to learn new language patterns (what I call guilt-free responses!) that made saying no not just possible, but even empowering. Reframing a no as “honoring my existing commitments,” or gently acknowledging the either/or reality of my schedule anchored my responses in truth, not people-pleasing guilt. Sometimes, offering an alternative or suggesting a future possibility softened the edges, and always, I reminded myself that a boundary is not a brick wall but a gate–one that I control, to protect what I am nurturing in my life and business.

Of course, no discussion of boundary-setting would be complete without addressing the emotional aftermath. For so many individuals with ADHD, the guilt spiral after saying no can be paralyzing. Yes, there may be moments of pride, but they’re often shadowed by doubt and worry: Was I too harsh? Did I just ruin a relationship or opportunity? Recognizing this vulnerability hangover for what it is–the growing pains of change–has helped me move through it rather than succumb to it. 

Techniques like reality-checking my fears, practicing self-validation, and physically releasing anxiety through movement or mindful breathing have become vital tools for recovery and growth. And above all, learning to forgive myself–for the yeses I wish had been nos, and for the nos that felt less than graceful–has kept me moving forward.

Progress, not perfection, is the goal. Each time I consciously choose to pause, to buffer, to set a gentle but firm limit, I am rewriting a lifelong script–one that honors my energy, my goals, and my genuine priorities. As I share these lessons, my deepest hope is that others will feel empowered to unlearn the default yes, shape boundaries that reflect their true priorities, and reclaim their time for what matters most.

If you’re ready to start this journey, remember: saying no is not an act of selfishness. It is an act of self-respect, and the very foundation on which a thriving, sustainable business–and life–is built. In order to rewire your brain from the default yes to more intentional answers takes practice, so be sure to grab my free worksheet that combines all the strategies shared in this episode, including practice scripts with guilt-free responses. 

Good intentions will not change the situation, but a handy guide that reminds you exactly what to do will. Click here to get your copy.

If you'd like to hear the full episode on the ADHD-ish Podcast, you can do that here.